Belly Dance, you've been my identity for almost 40 years. You almost left me a few times, but then you'd come back in a new way, breathing new life into me, new reasons for dancing. Through longevity & serendipity, I've attained a certain amount of respect, a tiny amount of recognition. But I'm starting to feel the blood flowing quickly out of my dance veins, & I don't know if I'll be able to stem the flow this time. I just might have to let her go - my alter ego as dancer. The heartbeat is fading, & I don't think anyone will notice if one day she slips away for good. That's when you know it's time to bid farewell.
So an obituary of sorts for this once dancing girl: She did it as a lark. She wanted attention & didn't know another way to get it. She didn't really love it, she didn't really invest in it. Her dancing was shallow & average. She was thrown into a new culture that she never fully embraced. She was an "It" girl for a fleeting moment, & she had many falls from grace. Yet she kept trying. She kept reinventing. She started caring & wanted to get it right. She would feel confident, only to be torn down, she never really believed the compliments, yet sometimes she thought she just might be ok. Because deep down below the glitter & glamourous costumes, the eyelashes & hair, was still the unbearably shy, sad child, the one who tried to be invisible - & maybe this was the best way for her to hide. It was a facade - an artificial & deceptive front.
I don't expect anyone to show up at her funeral. People move on, & in an instant one can be forgotten. She wanted respect, she wanted recognition, but she didn't put in the work to deserve it. Yet she persevered & had many successes she was proud of. Was it a wasted life? I don't know. Will anyone remember? Maybe a few. So maybe she really did care, maybe she cared too much.
Thank You for writing this blog and sharing yourDance Life with all of us as well as opening to us all yourheart nd soul. We ae all our hardest judge of ourselves and I'm seeing this so much in your expression of your feelings about Your dance. sigh...If you only knew. I can only hope that one dy soon, you will come back for You are loved and respected as an ARTISt within our field. You have so much more talent than You give yourself credit for. It's not Brain surgery. It is expression of emotion through movement. You totally have it, You IT GIRL, then now and forevor. You need to start giving yourself MORE credit. This makes Me sad!..NO I will not come to your Obituary because I refuse to let YOU stop dancing!...NOOOOOOoooooooooooo.
ReplyDeleteWhy?This is what I always say when faced with a great Loss. WHY? Kamala, I do not want You to slip away. You are just in your PRIME as a Dancer and have so many more great Times ahead. You started Young and didn't know anything about the dance. So that doesn't make you less a dancer than any of the rest of us. It's been and is a continuing journey for us ALL! You mustn't stop dancing, EVER!so much I wish I could share with YOU. please just don't do it. just keep on keeping on! You are just beginning dear one please, just trust Me on this?Have Faith have Courage believe in YOU!
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this, as well as your most recent post. I've felt dance slipping from me in exactly the way you describe. Your obituary is one that could be written for my own internal dancer. And your most recent post around gratitude and dancing for those who can't... That is exactly what I strive to keep in mind. THANK YOU. It is nice to know we aren't alone. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to connect with others like yourself, who struggle with this dance identity. Thank you for your comment - it's nice to know I'M not alone!
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